To Wake Up One Day And Find That I Let All These Years Go By Wasted.

Hey there,
I am so ashamed and embarrassed because i haven't lost any weight, got any smaller or stuck to any diet since i have had this blog. In fact, i have gained weight, got bigger and fucked up every diet i have planned for myself. How am i ever going to be good enough.
I am scared as well. I look back on when i thought i would have lost the weight and i am still here today at around 120lbs. I have never been this heavy before. I don't ever want to be this heavy again either.
It's so hot and i just want to wear shorts and a shirt and sunbathe.
I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror anymore because all i see is fat and a face.
I just want to stop eating all together and never have to think about food again. I hate this. The endless cycles of binging, starving, binging, starving. Maybe if i stop eating for a while, i will feel empty and that will give me motivation. But then i am worried that getting that hungry will make me binge.
I just want to end this all really but i am too much of a coward.

I'm Smiling But I'm Close To Tears

Hey everyone.
Another long delayed post. Sorry. Things have been a bit rough.
I have been feeling really low lately, i don't know why. I just want to hide under a shell and never come out. My diet has been crap, i can't stop shoving food into my fat gob.
I am really angry at myself too, because the weather is lovely and hot and i can't wear shorts or t-shirts because i am too fat.
I'm so scared that i will fail at losing weight, and i will always be fat. I literally shake with fear when i think about it because i don't want to be like this. I want to be skinny and be able to wear a shirt in the hot weather :(.
I need some tips on how to get some motivation and not fall off the wagon all the time. Please if you have some, let me know. I am really desperate here.
I have decided that i am going to start Sunday with a new diet and i WILL stick to it this time. I would start tomorrow but i am babysitting and the person i am babysitting for knows i have trouble with food so she is buying me food and i can't refuse food that someone has gone out and kindly brought for me.
Anyways my plan, is
Breakfast: Cereal Bar or Coffee/Tea
Lunch: Yogurt or Cereal
Dinner: Green Salad or Fruit Salad
I would say that would roughly take to about 500-800 calories a day. I am going to do the plan until i reach 110lbs and then start with something new.
Oh and i am also starting to hate skinny jeans because my legs are really too fat for them.
I am going to go now before i start rambling about random shit.
Bye, x x x x

I Won't Give Up

Hey,
Sorry it's been a long time since i last posted. Obviously things didn't go as i wanted them to. However i have done a U-turn and have done good for the past four days.
I am still doing the ABC diet for now, it just seems to work for me.
So i weighed myself just a moment ago and i was quite shocked by the number staring back at me.
I have binged everyday for two weeks, and i was fully clothed and bloated on food and water.
The number was 116lbs. I was completely shocked, i thought i would at least be somewhere between 117-120.
I would love it to be lower but i am not going to complain, it just's motivates me a little bit more and puts me i a good mood.
Thankyou for reading x x x

When The Pain Of Your Mistakes Keeps You Awake

Uh oh! This week has not been very good for me. Everyday i ate shit. Not literally :).
It has been a horrible weak and my body is not agreeing with what i have ate. I feel really sick and bloated and have had a painful stomach ache for the past three days :(
So i have a new plan and this time it will work, because if it doesn't i will be fat.
I am going to start the ABC from scratch again, starting tomorrow and i am going to do at least half an hour exercise a day.
I am not going to weigh myself until at least two weeks time when i am not bloated and i have lost some more weight. The next time i want to be on the scales, i want to see 112lbs or less.
I have probably put on weight this week but i hope it's only like 3lbs max. Fingers crossed! I am just going to estimate that i am about 115lbs right now.
I hope you have all had a lovely week.
Bye xxxxxxxx