Every Now And Then I Fall Apart

Hello, sorry it has been so long since my last post. Obviously things haven't really gone well.
However i have been weighing myself every day this week and i have been bouncing between 115 and 117.
I haven't really been binging but i haven't really watched what i have been eating either. It was mostly unhealthy stuff i have been eating :(.
I haven't got work tomorrow so my plan is:
Breakfast: Coffee
Lunch: Yogurt
Dinner: Crackerbread
I am also going to go to the gym and do some running. I am really into running at the moment, i love to see how far i can go and it just helps me stop stressing out. It also helps me know that i will lose weight.
I am looking forward til tomorrow so i can start fresh and hopefully not fuck it up bad.
I have moved in with my parents so it will be easier to stop binging. Thank god.
Anyways i will let you go, nighty night x x x

I Feel Skin Deep

117 fucking pounds. I couldn't believe it when i stepped on the scale this morning. I woke up at about 6 really thirsty so i had half a bottle of flavoured water. Big mistake i think. I also binged yesterday, i don't even know what came over me. I am so upset right now.
My friend has been ignoring me all week and i don't know why, so right now i just want food so i can take my mind off of everything but i am trying to teach myself that i can't use food to try and avoid my emotions, i just have to ride them out.
I feel fat as well, my clothes fit me the same as they did last week but i just feel trapped in them if that makes any sense. I think tonight i am going to write myself a doable plan and start tomorrow.
So today i have eaten:
Breakfast - coffee
Lunch - Weight Watchers yogurt
Dinner - Slice of bread and Oasis light drink
I think that would all come to about 300 cals.
I'm going to leave now and start writing this plan down :)

Oh how i wish for legs like these.

That Was Then And This Is Now

So today has been pretty eventful for me. I cut all my hair off and i love it :). For most of my life i have had long hair, when i was little until about 12 years of age it was down to my bum. Then i had a bob but grew it out, then a bob again and grew it out. This morning it was nearly the length of where my bra strap is. Now, it is like Katy Perry's hair in Part Of Me video. I was in shock when i first had it done, but i love it and all the people i work with love it. So it's all good :).
I binged yesterday :(. I wanted to do it because i felt like i wasn't going to lose weight if i didn't have a high-cal day. Silly me, it was a bad idea really :(. So i planned to fast today but i had 2 chocolate chips biscuits. I didn't eat all the second one though because the roof of my mouth started to swell up and hurt. The chocolate chips had hazelnuts in them so i think i may be allergic :(. And i had a can of diet coke which has given me a horrible stomach ache. I don't usually have fizzy so i think it maybe because i am not used to the acid being in there. And that is all i have had today. I feel really guilty though because i didn't fast. I did some dancing and i am going to do some more in the minute. I think tomorrow i am going to have a 300 cals, so a yogurt, cup of tea and some fruit.
I hope all you girlies are doing well. 2 days til my weigh in.
x x x x

You're Everything That Makes Me Fall In Love

I am in such a mess right now. I have been so depressed these past few days, i don't really know why though and it annoys the hell out of me. I cried today because i had something in my eye and couldn't get it out. It's still in there, whatever it is :(. 

I met with a friend yesterday and told her i wasn't really feeling myself, she said that i should go out with her and get drunk but i can't, for one alcohol has way too many calories that i don't need in it and for two, my mother is an alcoholic so alcohol doesn't appeal to me and i am frightened i will turn out like my mother, if i get drunk too many times. I also have quite an addictive personality. 

Anyways, eating wise has been great, Sunday, all through today have been low cal days. I am quite proud of myself. My work trousers aren't tight anymore, they fit perfectly, with a little room :). 

I am just really determined to do it this time. I felt like binging today but i got put off straight away when i thought about all the guilt and rage i would be feeling towards myself. For tomorrow i plan to have a coffee, cereal bar and probably a low cal jelly. I am also going to go to the gym after work and burn off some calories. I am quite excited for my weigh in on Sunday, i just hope i see a number that is less than 114. Only 4 days to go :).

Anyways, good luck everyone 

Night x x xx 

Keep Your Head Up

So, yesterday wasn't very good. Today wasn't much better but i think i only had 1200 calories. That is alot but i could have had so much more. I really want to weigh myself because i feel like i have put on so much weight. I was looking in the mirror yesterday while i was doing my makeup and my collarbones seem to be more prominent than they were last week. My work trousers were wouldn't zip up last week but today they fit. They are a tiny bit tight but hopefully when i put them back on, on Tuesday they will be a perfect fit.
My plan for tomorrow is to have a piece of fruit at the most and lots of water. I will also go to the gym, burn off some of these disgusting calories i have in my fat body. I also have to get some boxes so i can put some of my stuff away ready to move, so hopefully that will keep me busy and my mind off of food.
I feel really positive at the moment, but when i am at work i feel so miserable. I don't really know why though :(. Really tired as well, might do some dancing in the minute, i love dancing :).
Have a good day and keep losing them pounds my dear :) Thinspo pics next time :D
x x x

Nowhere's Home And I Am All Wrong.

Hey!
Today and yesterday have been really good, haven't binged at all. However i did have half a chewy sweet. I didn't realize what i was doing, i just opened the sweet and bit it. Before i could do anymore damage, i gave it to my little sister.
I have decided that i am next going to weigh myself on 17th June so that gives me 9 days to lose 3lbs. I can soo do this. I just have to keep up the work i am doing now.
I have been really tired lately but i just can't get to sleep at night, i will go to bed at about 10.30 and won't drop off to sleep until 11:30 maybe 12. It really pisses me off :(.
Anyways that was just a quick post, so i will love you and leave you now xxxx

Hello lovelies!
Today i have not done so good, my family had a jubilee party so there was food around and i just couldn't resist :(. Once i had something bad, i had this real urge to binge but i didn't. I walked away and went into my room, to cry. I was so upset with myself. I really wanted to get the food out, i hate the feeling of a full stomach. I still regret it now, but what is done is done. I have stayed away from food for the rest of the day and just had a cup of tea.
Even though i am upset about it, i am quite pleased with myself, i could have binged or purged the food up but i didn't.
I did some dancing today as the gym was closed due to being a bank holiday. I also tidied my room, getting ready for the move (if we get the house). So i think i burned at least 300 calories. Oh and i also did a 3mile walk. So not too bad. I love walking, i think it's the most enjoyable exercise. I just stick my ipod on and i could walk for miles and miles. I also love running too, but i do get a bit bored after a while and i don't like the feeling of not being able to breathe for a long time.
I also weighed myself after i ate all the junk, just to punish myself and see what damage i did. And i weighed in at 117.2lbs. Not too bad, i thought i would be at least 120lbs because i was full. The next time i weigh in i am going to aim for 115lbs. Wish me luck :)
x x x

Don't Need The Sun To Make Me Smile

Hello, i hope you are all okay?
I am in a happy mood today. I did so good yesterday and today :). Both days i have eaten less than 500 calories. So proud.
So i went to look at this house today and i love it, i have my own little room, it's small but i love small things. The thing is someone else wants this house too so it's just a waiting game now. Who will get the house? I have had a really great idea for motivation too. I can buy new things for my room as soon as i reach certain goals.
Me and my two little sisters went for a bike ride today. It was so much fun, i love riding a bike. I don't have my own, me and my little sister took it in turns to use hers. She is only 9 so her bike was quite small but i didn't mind. We were all so tired when we got home though, i think we will all sleep well tonight :D.
Only 165 days until i go to London, so excited :)
Lots Of Love x x x

I Ain't Wasting No More Time, Here I Go Again

Hello,
Wow, cannot believe it is June already, this year has gone waaaay too fast. So i have made many plans since i last wrote a post. Firstly might be moving house, me and my family are going to look at it on Monday to see if we like it :). Secondly, i am going to London with a friend in the middle of November on holiday (motivation for me) :). I have made other plans too but i have forgotten them, they will probably come up in future posts.
Well i weighed myself this morning after binging last night and i weighed 118.4lbs, which is okay because at the start of the week i was weighing in at around 120.
This week started off terribly food-wise. However, Wednesday and Thursday were great days. Yesterday and tonight, not so good. But tomorrow is a new day.
I have a plan for a long lie-in tomorrow, gym, reading, spending some quality time with my lovely little sisters.
I ordered some really nice abercrombie jeans on Thursday, so excited, i can't wait for them to arrive. I will post a photo when i get them, if they fit :).
Anyways not really much to say, life's a bit boring at the moment.
Night lovelies x x x x

To Wake Up One Day And Find That I Let All These Years Go By Wasted.

Hey there,
I am so ashamed and embarrassed because i haven't lost any weight, got any smaller or stuck to any diet since i have had this blog. In fact, i have gained weight, got bigger and fucked up every diet i have planned for myself. How am i ever going to be good enough.
I am scared as well. I look back on when i thought i would have lost the weight and i am still here today at around 120lbs. I have never been this heavy before. I don't ever want to be this heavy again either.
It's so hot and i just want to wear shorts and a shirt and sunbathe.
I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror anymore because all i see is fat and a face.
I just want to stop eating all together and never have to think about food again. I hate this. The endless cycles of binging, starving, binging, starving. Maybe if i stop eating for a while, i will feel empty and that will give me motivation. But then i am worried that getting that hungry will make me binge.
I just want to end this all really but i am too much of a coward.

I'm Smiling But I'm Close To Tears

Hey everyone.
Another long delayed post. Sorry. Things have been a bit rough.
I have been feeling really low lately, i don't know why. I just want to hide under a shell and never come out. My diet has been crap, i can't stop shoving food into my fat gob.
I am really angry at myself too, because the weather is lovely and hot and i can't wear shorts or t-shirts because i am too fat.
I'm so scared that i will fail at losing weight, and i will always be fat. I literally shake with fear when i think about it because i don't want to be like this. I want to be skinny and be able to wear a shirt in the hot weather :(.
I need some tips on how to get some motivation and not fall off the wagon all the time. Please if you have some, let me know. I am really desperate here.
I have decided that i am going to start Sunday with a new diet and i WILL stick to it this time. I would start tomorrow but i am babysitting and the person i am babysitting for knows i have trouble with food so she is buying me food and i can't refuse food that someone has gone out and kindly brought for me.
Anyways my plan, is
Breakfast: Cereal Bar or Coffee/Tea
Lunch: Yogurt or Cereal
Dinner: Green Salad or Fruit Salad
I would say that would roughly take to about 500-800 calories a day. I am going to do the plan until i reach 110lbs and then start with something new.
Oh and i am also starting to hate skinny jeans because my legs are really too fat for them.
I am going to go now before i start rambling about random shit.
Bye, x x x x

I Won't Give Up

Hey,
Sorry it's been a long time since i last posted. Obviously things didn't go as i wanted them to. However i have done a U-turn and have done good for the past four days.
I am still doing the ABC diet for now, it just seems to work for me.
So i weighed myself just a moment ago and i was quite shocked by the number staring back at me.
I have binged everyday for two weeks, and i was fully clothed and bloated on food and water.
The number was 116lbs. I was completely shocked, i thought i would at least be somewhere between 117-120.
I would love it to be lower but i am not going to complain, it just's motivates me a little bit more and puts me i a good mood.
Thankyou for reading x x x

When The Pain Of Your Mistakes Keeps You Awake

Uh oh! This week has not been very good for me. Everyday i ate shit. Not literally :).
It has been a horrible weak and my body is not agreeing with what i have ate. I feel really sick and bloated and have had a painful stomach ache for the past three days :(
So i have a new plan and this time it will work, because if it doesn't i will be fat.
I am going to start the ABC from scratch again, starting tomorrow and i am going to do at least half an hour exercise a day.
I am not going to weigh myself until at least two weeks time when i am not bloated and i have lost some more weight. The next time i want to be on the scales, i want to see 112lbs or less.
I have probably put on weight this week but i hope it's only like 3lbs max. Fingers crossed! I am just going to estimate that i am about 115lbs right now.
I hope you have all had a lovely week.
Bye xxxxxxxx

I Let Go, I Fell In

Hello, i hope you are all okay?
Just wanted to do a quick post. Things are going quite well, it's getting hard though, i won't lie. I just really want to have something nice and sweet to eat. But i know it will make me fat so that is a no no. Today on the ABC is a fast day, i am doing well so far, i only have 5 more hours to go. Soon i will be off to bed so i won't have to think about it. Urghh i just really hate fasts :).
I am so cold today, here in England it's just constantly been raining :(. I don't mind the rain but it's getting boring now and i just want to see some sunshine. The sunshine always gives me motivation.
I am hoping to get down to 112lbs by Monday. I just feel like that won't happen though. Maybe it will, maybe it won't :(.
I also wanted to say thank you to my 3 lovely followers. It's nice to have someone following me :)
Night xxxxxxxx

Stronger Than I'm Used Too

Hello everyone,
I am super happy today, i fasted all day yesterday which i am really proud at. Also i weighed in this morning and the scales said 113.4lbs. I was not expecting that number. I thought i would at least be 114.
It seems that hard work does pay off.
I had work today so it was easy to avoid food, then when i came home i had half a apple, cup of coffee and three Ryvitas, which should be around 200 calories i think.
I have a headache, i don't know whether it's because i am tired or the lack of food. Does anyone else get headaches when they restrict?
I really hope i can keep this up.
Night night x x x

How Long Do I have To Wait For The Sun To Shine Again?

Hello everyone :)
Today's not been such a good day again. I know, i am failing you as well as myself. No one wants to read a blog where all they do is fail, you want to read a blog that strives for what they want, so it can also help you strive, if that makes any sense at all.
I really hope i am not losing my motivation, tomorrow is my weigh in day but after such a horrible week this week i am terrified of what the number will be.
I think i am going to fast tomorrow instead of Wednesday because i have college Wednesdays and it would look really weird if i didn't eat anything and tomorrow is my day off so i will be home and no one cares about what i eat at home. They think that i eat alot anyway seeing as i am such a fat pig.
Is it just me but when i eat something bad or that has alot of calories in it, i feel dirty like i need to have a shower, i know that sounds really weird but that is truly how i feel right now because of all the shit i have eaten.
I really need my motivation back, has anyone got any ideas?
I am going to the gym tomorrow and i am going to work really hard, i might try and spend at least 2 hours in there. I don't like to spend too long in the gym because i feel like that will be a waste of my time. Don't get me wrong i actually love going to the gym, it's just if i spend too long in there and work overboard i think that would put me off and i wouldn't want to go any more. I do exercise almost every where i go though. I don't have a car so i just walk everywhere and whenever i am listening to music i love to just dance lol.
Anyways sorry for the long post but i feel like sometimes i don't blog enough :(.
Stay strong girls and keep up the good work :)
Bye x x x

A Little Bit Of Heaven, A Little Bit Of Hell

Hey,
Yesterday went really well, it was a fast day for me on the ABC. However today didn't go so well, i didn't really binge but i ate alot and it was all junk really. It was my little sisters birthday and she was really excited and i didn't want to ruin it by being weak and tired and not eating something. Because if i didn't eat something she would know that something was wrong, she would think that i wasn't enjoying her party if that makes sense. I didn't have any cake though, it was triple chocolate and it looked really sickly, i just couldn't face it. I had some cookies my sister made. Bless her!
I went to the gym and did some running but now my leg is throbbing every time i walk which is a pain in the backside.
I might go to the gym tomorrow to at least make up for some of today, i usually do ab workouts on Fridays, so maybe i will go to the gym in the morning and then do my abs in the evening.
I am allowed 200 calories tomorrow so that will be quite easy.
I just hope the motivation i have had this past week and half isn't fading away. I am going to try and hold onto it as long as i can.
Tomorrow is my last day off and then i have work Saturday which i am really looking forward to getting back to, i will be back to my routine and hopefully i will be too busy to think about food.
I think when i reach 110lbs, i will post some pictures of how my body looks, it's just being brave enough to post them :(.
Anyways, i am going to go so i can do some dancing to try and burn at least some calories of this junk in my body.
Night x x x

Words Are Like Weapons, They Wound Sometimes

Hello,
Whoopsie! So today i had a pretty bad day. Everything was going fine until about 4pm. I didn't eat much but what i did eat had quite alot of calories.
I weighed in again at 115lbs this morning. I have decided not to weigh myself until Monday, even though it kills me to wait that long.
I am going to the cinema with a friend tomorrow and it's a fast day on the ABC for me. I am not really worried about food though because i don't like to eat in public places. If she wants something to eat, i will just get a coffee. I am really worried that i will look fat though, the last time my friend saw me was when i was about 105lbs. So 10lbs is pretty noticeable . Oh well, the next time i will see her, i will be thinner.
I brought some new sweatpants today and they were a UK size 6 (I think that is a US 2, correct me if i am wrong), they were a bit tight, but they definitely fit, which i was very happy about. But i still look so fat. No joke, i have a really big tummy, big thighs and quite chunky arms. Erghh!
Thought i would post some thinspo.

The Way You Make Me Feel

Hey,
So this week has finally been a success, i have stuck to the ABC very well, i will admit, i had a bit of a blip on Friday but Saturday i went straight back to the ABC. I am really liking this diet, i do feel hungry sometimes but not as much as i thought i would, it's usually at night before i go to bed that my tummy starts rumbling.
I have got even more good news too. I have lost 5lbs this week so that puts me down to 115lbs. Woop! I have been waiting to see that number on the scales for ages.
I am off work again this week so hopefully i can have another successful week.
Today was a 400 calorie day so i have eaten:

• Cup of tea
• Muller light yogurt 
• Banana 
• One slice of toast.

I hope you are all doing well too and good luck :)
Thankyou x x x

The Answer That Could Never Be Found

ABC Day One - 500 calories

Breakfast - Nothing
Lunch - A cup of tea
Tea - Sweets (Not one of my best decisions)

Weight: 120lbs

With this diet, each day i am going to answer questions that you may or may not want to know about me. I will start off with a few of my own and then if you want to ask me any then i will definately answer them for you.
Q. When did my relationship with food change?
A. When i was probably around 11 years of age, i started to cut out certain foods, in hope to lose weight.

Hey there,
So today went pretty well, i did plan on going to the gym but it was raining so much, i would have been a drowned rat by the time i would have got there. So i am going to go there tomorrow as i don't have to go to work.
I am really tired at the moment, i don't see why though, i didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning and i had about an hours sleep at 4pm.
I am going shopping with my sister on Saturday and i am really worried about what we are going to have to eat because i really want to stick to this diet. But knowing my sister, she will want to go to some fast food place. To be honest, i am not a fan of fast food, i am never really tempted by it however hungry i am. It's like i never really have hot meals, i just don't find them that appealing. I just hope we can buy some sandwiches from Tesco or something.
Well, i hope you are all having a good day.
Night x x x

It Found Me To Hold Me

Hey,
Thought I would do a quick post before I go to sleep. This week has not gone very good I am afraid, I hate Easter, I feel disgusting :(. But tomorrow I am starting the ABC which I am actually really excited about. I really hope I stick to it, this could be it, it may be my time to lose weight if that makes any sense. I am really tired at the moment and don't usually make much sense when I am. I want to weigh myself but I dont want to because I am afraid of what the scales say :(. What do you think i should do weigh or nay?
I will update you tomorrow.
Night night x x x

You Were My Voice When I Couldn't Speak

Hey there,
Why does this keep happening, there has to be some reason right? I haven't really been binging but i have eaten loads of shit, that i shouldn't. I haven't lost any weight either.
However i have come up with a very good plan that i really hope that i will stick to. So i fucked up this morning but that doesn't mean i can't start now. So for 24 hours i will only have water, then for the rest of tomorrow and for Sunday i will fast but i will allow myself drinks like juice and tea. Then on Monday i am going to start the ABC diet with at least doing half an hour exercise per day.
I really need to lose this weight and fast, if anyone has any other ideas that have worked for them, please let me know,thanks.
Today i haven't got work because it's good Friday. Well it'not fucking going good for me but I hope your day is going good though and that you are all staying strong.
Thankyou  x x

P.S. Thinspo :)

This Feels So Wrong, That It Feels Right.

Hello lovelies.
Today has gone really well. I have had about 3 slices of bread (Yeah, i know lot's of carbs, i am trying to stop them gradually), a muller youghrt and a coffee. I let myself have 600 calories today and i think i stayed just below it so that was really good. Haven't really done much exercising apart from walking to and from work, my leg is still playing up :(.
I weighed in at 118lbs this morning, quite happy about that. For some reason though, i have been in a awful mood, i really don't know why though. Maybe it's the lack of food but i don't usually feel like this. Hopefully tomorrow my mood will be better otherwise people will start to notice.
It's gotten colder today and i can really feel it, my hands are so cold right now, it's hard to type on my laptop lol. And the tip of my nose is cold too :).
Anyways hope you have had a lovely day and speak to you soon xxxxx

They All Think I'm Crazy, But To Me It's Perfect Sense.

Hey there,
Sorry it's been a long time. I have been quite busy with work and figuring out how to do this weight loss thing and not fail again. It's hard i will admit.
I have done okish for the last week and now i am on week 2. I have only lost 3lbs though which is really frustrating because i really thought i would lose a little bit more than that. But a loss is a loss i suppose.
I have hurt my leg, so i can't go to the gym, which is really fucked up because i am one of those crazy people who actually like the gym. Does anyone have any other alternative exercise that i can easily lose weight with while resting my leg. It has been so sunny here in England it's lovely. I went for a walk along the beach, it's just so damn depressing that i can't go and tan on the beach because i am too fat. Urghh!
Anyways, i am pretty tired so i think i will be off to bed soon and i will update you on my progress soon.
Thankyou x x

This Life Hasn't Quite Turned Out The Way I Wanted It To Be

Hey there,
Today was going really well, i went to the gym and ate only a yogurt and had cups of tea. Then something just triggered inside me and i wanted to cry so i turned to the food for an answer. Yup, how stupid i was. I wouldn't really call it a binge because i didn't really eat that much but what i did eat, was very unhealthy.
I am thinking of doing the 2,4,6,8 diet. I did it just before Christmas and it worked really well, i lost 10 pounds but only to put it back on again because i could't keep my greedy gob shut. Back to work tomorrow, so hopefully i can just focus on work and not have anything to eat until i come home.
Wish me luck because i am going to really need it.
Thanks for reading.
P.S. Tomorrow i am going to weigh myself :(. So i will post and update you x

You Can Take The Future, Even If You Fail!

Hey there, so i have been kind of ignoring my blog.
Everything seems to be just taking a turn for the worst. I have been trying so hard to not eat as much but all i seem to do is end up binging. It's disgusting.
I tried again today but i still ended up binging. But i will NOT give up. Tomorrow is a new day, new week and i will be going to the gym and eating next to nothing. Hopefully i can get my motivation back and get back on the wagon.
I dyed my hair red and i love it, i feel like a new me. And it's not just red, it is bright red, the brighter the better :).
I have decided to keep going with my blog and try posting as often as i can. I need motivation and help and hopefully this blog can help me.
Well, i am off to bed soon, i want today to be gone, so i can start fresh tomorrow :)
Night night
Lots of love xxxxxxxxx

With Every Breath I Make

Hey,
I have done terrible so far this week. I have binged everyday. Disgisting.
However, i am in a better mood today because i haven't eaten a single thing. And hopefully i won't until Sunday. I went to the gym Monday and did a really hardcore run. Well, it was for me :). I was going to go to the gym on Tuesday after work but i lost my gym clothes on the way to work. Yup, the absolute idiot i am.
Anyways i ordered some new clothes and trainers and they came today which was really good. I am not going to go to the gym until Sunday though because Fridays and Saturdays are always busy at work and i never get home til late. I am trying to figure out the trigger for my binges, i have a few ideas but i am not sure if they really are. I want to get to the bottom of them because then when something happens or whatever, i can be prepared if you see what i mean.
Any how, i will post soon and update you.
Thankyou for taking the time to read.
Lots of love x x x

P.S. Seeing as i am in a good mood today, i am going to post some thinspo :)

Am I A Stupid Girl For Even Dreaming That I Could?

Hey there, so i am not very good at introductions, i never make a good impression on people.
I think it maybe because i am very shy.
Well, i will give you a brief explanation as to what i look like.
I have long curly brown hair, brown-green eyes, i have freckles, i am short. And most of all i am fat.
I hate being fat. I wish i could wake up one day and it would all be gone. But sadly that won't happen.
I used to be slim but i developed an eating disorder and lost too much weight. Then i put it all back on plus more which is disgusting.
That's why i am here today, because i want to lose weight more than ever and i am really determined to do this. So i thought tracking it would be a good idea. I will post my stats sometime this week, i have been trying to avoid the scales and tape measurer. I hope to find some friends along the way too.
Have a good night. x x x x